My Experience and Philosophy on Baby Sleep

It sucks, the never-ending, ever-judgmental, righteously defending, finger-pointing accusing war on parenthood. Especially with me. I'm a worrier. I'm a people pleasure. I'm a self-judger. I want what is best for Rhys, but knowing myself, my personality, and my weaknesses, I need to watch out for myself for the sake of Rhys.

**This is a long post. If you want the summary, go to the last few paragraphs.**

When Rhys was first born, I barely slept the first week and half. The two nights spent in the hospital were miserable. I was so anxious and nervous about being a first-time parent (as was Justin), that with every stir and movement or peep Rhys made, I peered over to see if he was okay and still breathing. The fear of SIDS from online sources were scorched into my head and I was so scared that he'd die those first two nights. However, on the second night, Justin and I were barely functioning. In the middle of the night, the nurse took him to do more newborn tests and we timidly, shakingly asked her if she could take him to the nursery for a few hours. She said she would, but she would immediately bring him back if he needed to be fed. We wholeheartedly agreed. And, for the first time in 3 days (we barely slept the day before my induction due to anxiety), we had a solid two hours of sleep. And, I will tell you, those two hours were life-saving! The rest of the week was spent with mostly skin-to-skin co-sleeping on the recliner in our living room. I was trying to learn how to calm a baby and nurse at night (and there were nursing issues the first few weeks) and try to let Justin get some sleep since he had a 40 minute commute each day to work and college. As much as I was crying, too, for anxiety of doing what was best, and why was he crying, and was he comfortable enough, and was he getting enough milk, etc. etc., I absolutely loved having him on my chest.

After those two first weeks, Rhys became a pretty good sleeper. We had him sleep in a bassinet beside our bed. He would wake up twice a night for a feeding. This was pretty consistent for the first few months of his life, and a it was a pattern he created himself. I was very thankful to read that the 3 hour cycle that he developed himself throughout the night and day was pretty normal and average for others online!

When Rhys dropped down to one nighttime feeding (which was about the same time he decided to stop nursing), we started an earlier bedtime, began a bedtime routine, and moved him into his crib. He typically did pretty good with only one feeding at night.  However, he didn't like sleeping in his crib during the day time, so I had to cosleep with him for his naps. I enjoyed these, because I loved cuddling with my baby boy, and sometimes, I had a nap, too. Since he couldn't scoot or crawl, and could only roll over one way, sometimes, I'd lay with him until he was asleep, then move off the bed and do what I needed to do during the day.

When he was about 5 months old, he slept solidly through the night. I awoke startled at 5:00AM, surprised to see the time, strained my ears to hear if Rhys was crying, didn't, so I went back to sleep. Then, a few weeks later, he did the same thing three times in a row! Then, a few weeks later, he was sleeping through the night almost consistently! Christmas came, and with it, traveling and visiting family and being our of our routine for two and a half weeks! Rhys's sleep pattern was definitely disrupted, and he was waking up 2-4 times a night, but that was understandable.

I didn't feel comfortable with any sort of sleep training or sleep coaching, or whatever term you want, since all the sources I read said a 6 month old was too young for that; they recommended 8 months. But, since he had been able to sleep through the night consistently before (on his own), we knew he was capable of doing it again. So, during January and February, if he'd cry in the night, we'd wait 5 minutes, an approach we learned through Bringing up Bebe and liked. If he was still crying, we'd go up and rock him back to sleep. If it was past 3AM, we'd bring him into bed with us and co-sleep with him, and that seemed to work. We didn't mind doing it...although it did start to bring back the terrible tendinitis I had in my arms.

Mid-February, Rhys was 7.5 months old and he and I both got a really, really bad upper respiratory viral infection that lasted a week and a half. It was back to the skin-to-skin sleeping on the recliner, with intermediate sleep breaks in the swing. It was very, very hard on me. I didn't allow Justin a turn as he had to be at his full-time job at 7AM, whereas I didn't have to teach until 11, and could take a nap. But, I was still sleep deprived, and it didn't help my patience for my students. But, when he was better, and all the mucus was out of his system, his sleep was broken. Yes, his sleep was broken. He was waking up between 5-8 times a night, and never being able to be comforted. He'd even restlessly toss and turn in bed with us. We resorted to swings, midnight drives, going back to bottles, watching TV until his eyes closed, everything.

Finally, we made a choice. We needed to do some sort of sleep-training and Rhys was at the earliest recommended age. Rhys was a good sleeper--he had proven that. But, with a long Christmas vacation and then a long illness, he had forgotten how good he was and he was just scared to sleep. So, we wanted to help him get back to his good patterns. I also will admit that if I wake up many times in the middle of the night, and don't go right back to sleep, I act pretty witchy! We didn't like CIO cold-turkey and wanted to have some positive sleep reinforcements. This is what we did, and it worked for us, but what is important is that every parent must learn and discover what is best for them as a unique and individual family.

We bought a music machine that had a large on/off push button, a mirror, and stars that shone on the ceiling. We bought an arsenal of pacies. We lined his crib with towels (instead of a crib liner/padding), and laid all his stuffed animals in it. We made his crib a safe haven. We still rocked and fed him a bottle to sleep. I don't regret this. It helps that his full stomach is relaxing and that the last thing he sees is his mom or dad. After he finished, we put him down in his crib, his eyes closed, and told him we loved him, we will just be downstairs, and we will see him in the morning and that he is a good boy. We wanted to let him know we were proud of him and instilled trust in him. We then practiced Ferberizing. If he cried, we'd wait five minutes, then go in, put his pacy in, turn on his music machine, and leave. Then, we'd wait 10 minutes. Then, fifteen. Then, twenty. We never let him cry longer than twenty minutes. If he did, we'd rock him to sleep, singing and whispering to him. But, we would not bring him into bed with us. (I'm a light sleeper, and now he moves too much in his sleep, so I wasn't really sleeping if we co-slept anymore!)

The first night, he started this fussing about 1AM...it was a long night. We didn't really get to sleep until 3AM. Then, the next night, in total, he only cried 40 minutes (5, 10, 15, 10 minute increments). The third night, only 5 minutes. When we went in to turn on the music machine, as soon as he heard the music and saw the stars, he stopped crying and immediately closed his eyes. SUCCESS! He has been sleeping through the night since March! Now, he can also stand up, turn on his music machine himself, and lay back down to sleep!

Now, we are trying to slowly separate his last bottle from being put to bed. We feed it to him downstairs watching Family Feud (he has a weird sensation with Steve Harvey), then we'll rock him for less than a minute! before putting him in his crib. Sometimes, he'll wake up earlier than 7AM, but we still do Ferberizing until 6:30AM (most of the time, he'll fall back asleep). But, we always listen to the type of crying he is making. If Rhys is screaming bloody murder, we'll go in and try to console him. If he is sick, or, like recently, teething, we are a little more lenient on the Ferberizing. We'll still wait the 5 minutes minimum, but sometimes we still bring him into bed with us.

So, I guess, a SUPER long story made short, there is no right way to help your child sleep through the night. And, just because you prefer a method, doesn't mean you have to stick with it. And, be flexible, yet consistent. And, be aware of your child's cries and needs, such as illness, teething, peeing through his diaper, etc. And, realize that your philosophy on baby sleep will probably change--who knows, I may have to (or want to) do things differently whenever we have another.

Moral of the story: What is right and best for you, may not be right and best for someone else. Every individual, baby, mother, father, sibling, family is different and their circumstances are all unique. DO NOT JUDGE and DO NOT SAY YOUR WAY IS BETTER!

To Nap or Not to Nap

Let sleeping babies lay. Why not? That's when they grow and develop, and they're super adorable as they do. Rhys is sometimes a serious sleeper--furrowing his brow and piercing his lips. Sometimes he'll smile and laugh--a series of high-pitched, sharp inhaling (it makes me wonder what he's dreaming about). Sometimes, he'll moan and scrunch up his face. 

At this moment (7:44PM, Wednesdy night), Rhys is laying on my legs, peacefully sleeping. I dare not move, even though I have to pee real bad. If I do and hand him off to Justin, there is a 50% he will awaken. If he awakens, there is a 50% chance that he won't go back to sleep, even though I can see that yearning in his eyes. Poor boy has such a hard time going to sleep himself during the day, now. 

My friend, Natashya, has a 5 month old boy and wrote a post about her disdain for sleep training. It's interesting that she posted when she did, because this past week, I've been thinking about Rhys's sleep patterns. I have previously wrote a post about Babywise. I really like the idea of Eat, Play, Sleep and keeping a pretty consistent schedule. It has really helped Rhys be more awake and alert.

Rhys does pretty well at night. We begin the bedtime routine at 10pm and he's in bed in his crib by 10:40. Then, he'll wake up between 2:30-3:30 to eat and fall right back asleep. Then, he'll typically wake up around 5, with (I believe) trapped gas. He'll be fussy, no outright crying, and wants to be held. So, we'll bring him into bed with us and he'll fall right back asleep cuddling with me. 

I love waking up with him in my arms (even if it's killing them from being asleep) and smiling up at me. But, I've gotten to thinking, are we still going to be doing this when he is 6 months? 1 year? I don't think so. I'm not worried about weaning him off this little habit, even though I love it.

So, night time isn't any issue. I'm ve ry thankful that he's so good at night. We've also already had some crib escapades. One night, after being swaddled, he ended up with his arms though the bars and the blanket covering his head! Another night, he'd twisted himself so that both his legs were all the way through the bars of his crib! Although he's crying in frustration, we have to laugh a little because we think it's adorable.

Day time is when he struggles. Rhys loves to cuddle. He loves attention. He loves being with his Momma and Daddy, and part of the family. I believe he has an inbred sense of "People are doing things without me. I'm missing out." When he's held and falling asleep, he'll nuzzle his head as close to us as possible. He'll grasp and grasp until he has a handful of shirt in his fist, or his arm in inside my shirt. I fall head over heels everytime he does it!

When we go running in the morning, he'll fall asleep on the final stretch home. I pull the stroller through the door, gently take him out and carry him up to his crib. I have about 30 minutes to finish stretching before he wakes up. And that is the last he'll spend in his crib until the night.

All of his naps are taken in his swing, on our bed (with us on the bed as well) or in our arms or laps. I'm not complaining. I love having him in reach to caress. He is the light of my life and I crave all the time I can have with him.  However, sometimes I need to do chores or use both of my arms. I also think about the near future.Where will he nap at 4 months? At 8 months? A year old? 

To me, it's just so interesting that he has no trouble sleeping in his crib but will awaken within 5 minutes if placed in it (or his Moses basket) during the day. I've tried just staying with him, letting him stare up at me, holding his hand, soothingly assuring him I was there for him, but he'd just fuss the whole time. It breaks my heart (and at the same time makes me so happy) that he wants to be closer to me.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the Cry It Out theories, but I do believe that Rhys is far too young for me to even attempt that. He's only 2.5 months! I hope that this pattern of sleeping in our arms is just normal and we aren't creating a bad habit for him. (Mainly because he's getting a bit too long to sleep on my chest and allow me to type on my laptop at the same time anymore!)

Not really sure where I was headed with this post...it's not complaining, it's not worrying. I guess it's just rambling. But, I guess I can end on an inquiring question for curiosity's sake:

How old is your baby and where do they sleep? When did you have your baby nap in his/her crib?

I'll just show one more cute picture of Rhys to end this =)

My Thoughts on BabyWise, Scheduling, and Sleep-Training

I'm the type of person who over analyzes situations and worries that I'm not doing the right thing. I've had many insecurities about being a good mom and raising Rhys well enough. I guess I had high expectations since he was my first and I was first and hit every milestone early and was always an excellent student and a very active child. I want that for Rhys, as well.

Ever since Rhys was born 5 weeks ago, I've been going back and forth as to how I want to manage his eating, sleeping, and wake times. I read numerous articles, numerous forums, What to Expect The First Year, and BabyWise; asked my mom and my friends who have babies for their experiences; and asked my aunt (who is a nurse that works with babies) and my SIL (a lactation specialist) for their advice.

At first, I noticed that by around 2 weeks old, Rhys had sort of developed his own eating pattern: 7AM, 10AM, 1PM, 4PM, 7PM, 10PM, 1AM, 4AM (give or take). So, I started to follow that very strictly the next week. I'd even wake Rhys to keep to this schedule during the day (I know, I'm terrible). But, Rhys's spit up amount hadn't decreased--he spits up at least once right after a feeding, and often he'll spit up within an hour of eating. So, I decided to take some advice and try just to do feed on demand--it was pretty similar, but with larger gaps (such as feeding at 4:45, rather than 4, but I never let him go more than 3.5 hours without feeding). Well, that didn't change the amount of poopy diapers or spit up, which means, it worked just as well as his pattern.

A few friends mentioned how young their babies slept through the night (5 hours minimum) and mentioned BabyWise. So, I read it through. I also noticed a huge negative attitude towards it online, many saying it's a terrible book because it advocates crying it out and "starving your baby" to sleep-train them, as well as the whole thing not being supported by medical journals. But, as I read it, I liked it.

The most appealing thing to me was the fact that their example schedule for a baby of Rhys's age was the same pattern that Rhys had developed on his own. Also, I didn't find that it was trying to get parents to follow a strict schedule or starve their babies at night. On page 87, it specifically says, "But what are parents supposed to manage? The short answer is the continually evolving, changing, and growing needs of their baby." They also mention to feed you baby when he is hungry, always. And they mention that when your baby is going through a growth spurt, he'll eat more; and when you are traveling, or there is some disruption, that is ok, too! To me, BabyWise had some great principles for setting up a flexible schedule. And that's what I'm doing, a flexible schedule, following Rhys's cues, but sometimes intervening. I don't want him going more than 4 hours without eating and I make sure he has at least 8 feedings in a 24 hour period.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I am following from BabyWise is the schedule of Eat-Wake-Sleep. As soon as Rhys wakes up from his naps, I feed him. Then, I try to keep him upright for a while because of his reflux. Then, we play. Sometimes I play with him, which includes tummy time and other skill training, and sometimes, he has independent play time. When Rhys has been awake for at least 50 minutes, he starts to get tired, so I put him in his bassinet and put a blanket on him so he can fall asleep. For the most part, he is very good about falling asleep on his own. Sometimes, it take 5 minutes for him to drift off. Sometimes, it takes upwards of 20 minutes. But, he's always calm (for the most part). If not, I give him a pacy and caress his head for a bit, then he'll start to drift off.

Rhys still hasn't slept through the night. The longest has been 10:30-2:30, then 3:00-6:45, and that has only happened a few nights. Most nights, he wakes up between 1-2 and then 4-5. He typically wakes up by 6:30, but Justin and I aren't ready to wake up then, so I make sure his pacy is in, pick him up, and put him in bed with us until 7. Sometimes, he won't even fall back asleep after his 4-5AM feeding, due to fussiness, so I'll put him in bed with us then, too. And it works wonders! Cuddled up to his momma and daddy, he falls right back asleep. (I'll sometimes put him in bed withe me during naps to help him sleep, too, so I guess you can say I'm a part-time co-sleeping follower.) 

BabyWise does say that by 5 weeks, he should have merged his two night-time feedings. And by 6 weeks, he should be sleeping 6 hours a night, if I have a consistent Eat-Wake-Sleep schedule with at least 7 feedings during the day. Well, I do, and he hasn't. A few of my friends babies, (a week older and week younger) are consistently sleeping through the night already! I started to get a little jealous. But, again, BabyWise states on page 161, "Do not worry that your baby is not following the plan exactly like the book describes. no baby can." And I'm just thankful that Rhys doesn't wake up at night with loud screams. He's too good of a boy for that. I wake up to fussiness and grunts, because as a new mom, I'm a light sleeper. But, sometimes, it still takes strength not to compare Rhys to other babies. He'll sleep through when he's able. What to Expect The First Year does suggest that once babies hit the "magic weight" of 11 lbs, they'll begin to sleep longer. Well, Rhys has about one pound more.

Again, I do a flexible schedule with Rhys, but with my Type A, anxiety/worry-prone personality, and being a first-time mom with huge curiosity, I bought an app called Baby Log. It's only $4.99, and totally worth it. It tracks Rhys's age, weight, lenght, and head circumference, as well as his vaccinations. It also keeps track of his feedings and how long they are, his naps, and his diaper changes. There is also an option for play time, bath time, and poo (I think that's for potty training), but I don't use those 3. 

As you can see, for the most part, Rhys has a pretty consistent schedule with some variation due to running errands, extra long naps, growth spurts, etc. With this app, and reading BabyWise, and taking advice from my aunt, SIL, and mom, I'm beginning to feel a little more confident with being a mother and managing Rhys's growth. I'm sure I'll never feel 100% confident raising a child, but I'm more confident that I've been since he was born!