Confessions of a New Mom

Before I had a baby, I thoroughly believed I was prepared and knowledgeable.

I'm the oldest of 4 and had fed, played with, rocked, and changed many a diaper before.

I had a breast feeding book and both What to Expects. 

I read plenty of mom blogs and did research.

I don't want to say I was cocky, because I wasn't, but boy, was I in for a rude awakening.

He's such a serious sleeper...it's so funny!

This post is about my feelings of being inadequate as a new mom. So, if you don't want to read it, be content with the adorable picture of Rhys sleeping. He's the cutest boy on earth!

• When Rhys was first born, and for the first two and half weeks, I was able to read Rhys's cues very easily--they were pretty obvious--and be able to tell his cries apart. I was so proud of myself! Since the beginning of this week, that has been harder to do. Sometimes I don't know how to console him anymore. I do use a pacy, but I try to use it as a very last resort and a sleep aid, but I hate relying on it to help him calm down.
• There was some initial latching issues when Rhys was first born, but thanks to my sister-in-law, who is a lactation specialist, we were able to get on the right track and Rhys has an awesome latch (and can even do it in the dark!). But, now, especially the last 36 hours or so of feeding, Rhys has been really fussy while eating. I don't know if he's gassy, I have to fast of a let-down, he's full, overly tired...
• Rhys spits up about twice per feeding and then again within an hour and half of feeding. He's still gaining weight, and seems content afterwards, but sometimes, he'll cough or wheeze and then cry as he is spitting up or afterwards. It really does concern me. To a first-time mom, it's a little nerve-wracking. I don't know if he's gassy, getting too much foremilk as opposed to hindmilk, eating too much...
• People (and books, blogs, forums) tell me to follow my instinct. Well, my instinct was to follow the 3-hour schedule Rhys, himself, began. It went pretty well, but his fussiness and spitting up is causing me to rethink my instinct. Is he getting enough wake time? Tummy time? Sleep time? Eating too much or too little. For the rest of the week, I'm going to try just plain on-demand feeding and see if it helps him at all. But the point is, I'm not sure I trust my instinct--I'm not even really sure what my instinct really is when it comes to him.
• I sometimes wonder why I even bother dressing him or myself every day. Without fail, by noon, he'll either have spit up or peed on us and I'll have to change our clothes.  A lot of times, once he soils his onesie, he just goes naked with a diaper for the rest of the day. As for me, I have to change. But I feel my wardrobe is very limited in being baby-disaster and breastfeeding friendly. I've been re-wearing the same 5 tank-tops every day, but the thing is, as a Mormon, I do wear those "sacred underwear", so I have to keep a cardigan beside me for when I go near windows or outside. I want to wear something else. Mormon or non-Mormon, what do you wear when breast-feeding that is modest (covers the shoulders, no open back or belly, no cleavage)?
• I've heard people get voracious appetites after giving birth, especially if they're breastfeeding. And, I know I should consume an extra 500 calories to help my milk supply. But, honestly, my appetite has been diminishing.
• I miss being able to go out to town easily, without any worries. Justin is still in school (for the next few weeks), and I get cabin-fever very easily. Last summer, I worked part-time, ran, and just went on "errands". It's a bit harder to do that spontaneously with a new baby.
• Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love all the time I spend with Rhys. I love watching him sleep. I love hearing all his noises. I love holding him and having him half-smile at me. I love having him close to me. But, this has been, by far, the least productive summer ever! And, to my very Type A personality that always feels like I should be doing something productive, it does eat at the back of my mind. Which makes me start to wonder how in the world I'm going to do part-time after my maternity leave?!?!

I look at the first-time moms in my church and they just seem so peaceful. I don't know how they do it, or if they just hide all their anxiety from the world. I'm sure in a few weeks/months, I'll feel like a pro with these issues, but then feel insecure and worrisome about new issues. I guess we'll see. I'll get the hang of this mothering thing eventually.

But, in all seriousness... I want to get a breast-feeding friendly wardrobe! 

What did you wear when you were breastfeeding and where did you buy it?