For the first time, since I can remember, I am purely uncertain.
Uncertain where to live next year (though two weeks ago I knew).
Uncertain about how well I will be my church's Activities Committee co-chair.
Uncertain travel plans left half planned. (wow...I need to keep this line--it'd be great for a poem!)
Uncertain if I really want some feelings that are creeping up in my head.
Uncertain where I want to student teach. Uncertain if I want to run away and teach in England without receiving my American teaching licence (which is an opportunity, but one I won't take--don't worry).
Uncertain what God has planned for me (I wish I knew more from my Patriarchal Blessing).
Uncertain about my future.
And it scares me.
I had always known what I was going to do:
1) Graduate high school Suma Cum Laude
2) Graduate college with a history teaching and English teaching license, while graduating with honors
3) Get married sometime during college
4) Be an awesome and fully loved and respected teacher until I start having children
5) Be a stay at home mom, writing fantasy and working on a History Masters
6) Once my children are all old enough to go to school, start teaching again
7) When retired, go on a Senior Couples' mission to Nauvoo!
So far, I can only check off #1.
#2 would have been done until I made the harsh decision to not graduate with honors.
Then, I was told how Britain is seriously lacking in teachers of any subject whereas history teachers are not needed at all in the US. I was lead to a program that is pulling graduates (or almost graduates) with teaching licenses (or not) to teach a couple years in Britain. This program will help you get a working visa, find you a place to live, and put you directly in the schools teaching. How can I pass this up! A program in the country I LOVE!
I don't even know where I want to do student teaching. I was going to do it here, because this school district offers a year-long internship with half a 1st year teacher's salary. That way, when I have my license and get hired, I can start with a second year salary. Or, do I want to leave this place and go find adventure somewhere else in the country?
Both these options, though wonderful opportunities I really want to take, feel like running away to me.
These two scenarios won't happen till at least next summer, but I am unsure of what to do with myself today.
Where do I go? What do I do? How to do it? Why should I do it? What do I even think of myself anymore?
I hate uncertainty. I really do. I hate surprises. I like to have my life planned out.
I'm scared.
Very poetic. The thing I've found in life is that nothing is certain. Nothing outside of the doctrine of the Church, that is. One great thing we learn in the gospel is that when we face uncertain times, we must go forward with faith and courage. Besides, while we might not know what to do, there is One who does. And as long as He does, all we need to do is trust that He will guide us.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, many of the things you are uncertain of you have to work out for yourself. However, put your mind at ease in regards to your calling. The Lord has called you and has given you another co-chair and committee members to help you out. So you are not alone in this. In fact, one great thing about our church is that they are always willing to lend a helping hand. Besides, from what you've plans you've told me about so far, I think we're going to have a blast this summer.
So don't worry Tayler! We're with you all the way!
Setting aside my curiousity of uncertainty number four, why does opportunity number two feel like running away? If you graduate from college, what could be wrong with taking advantage of either or any opportunity? What are you running away from? This mundane life that you've grown to love? Are you scared of what you're leaving behind or of what you're running into? I'm thinking you're scared of more than just uncertainty, because there's a lot you can be certain of, especially with a living God.
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